I realized yesterday morning that it was almost valentines day. I'm not sure how I let it slip my mind, because my instagram feed was filling up with holiday crafts and baking over the past few weeks, but I just didn't put the two together. My house is surrounded by boxes and piles needing to go somewhere when I'm not holding baby girl..maybe thats why...
I picked up a card for Ben and a box of chocolates for each boy as I was grocery shopping (with all three), and later as I was scrolling through feeds, I started to feel kinda bad about my lack of preparation and honestly...the current state of ...ME
This new role, mom of three, has been the most challenging thing I've done yet. I don't know if it was because Ben was sick last year, or if Eden is just a more difficult baby, or if having 3 kids under 5 is just not easy no matter what...Either way I find myself every day trying to let go
And in the letting go that I have been forced to do for the past 9 months, my heart has been challenged with why I care so much about some things in the first place.
Who's it for? Why am I frantically cleaning my house for hours before people come over, it's not really who we are right now and will people be okay with that? I miss a clean house...it's just impossible right now. Why do I feel bad for only getting my kids one thing of candy for valentines day when I don't like them eating candy as it is? I could have made heart shaped pancakes, but they would have thrown a fit over not getting their daily pop tarts....
Why did I stress over the holidays about not making christmas cookies with them when they decorate one cookie, eat it and leave the other 3 dozen for me finish? I hate baking in the first place, I always have.
Why am I posting so much on social media about our day to day lives? What if no one knew I went to dinner or what I ate? Or what if we had a fun day and it was never documented?
It's a challenge to myself...because I still enjoy seeing what everyone is up to since duh...stay at home moms don't get out much...but this constant beating myself up for not being able to keep up or make "memories" with my kids has got to stop.
You know what I like? I like playing the wii with Kingston. I like taking them for ice cream, or to the park. I like coloring with them. I like our friday nights that consist of frozen pizzas, movies and pop corn. I love the three of them in the bath tub together. Really..it's like my favorite thing having them all lined up in a row and washing their hair one by one. I like our saturday mornings, I bring Eden back to our bed to nurse and then the boys come into our bed. Sometimes if I'm really feeling it, I'll pop some pillsbury (who am I kidding, their great value) cinnamon rolls in the oven and spend the morning drinking coffee with Ben while the kids play around the living room.
I've changed. I asked Ben last night, that when Eden gets older if he thought we'd ever go back to the way we used to be. When we had schedules and clean laundry that actually made it's way to the drawers and clean vehicles...never thought I'd be a mom with goldfish covered car...but I am.
Each child has changed me in a different way. I'm growing up right along side them. Change is good.