Over the past month or so, I've had these guilty feelings.
About how much tv we watch, or how much I'm looking at my phone, or how our day to day feels like it has no purpose or fruit.
Feeling conflicted about whether my kids should be in the nursery at church or participating alongside us, and wondering if the prayers I pray over my kids each night before they go to sleep are just a waste of breath because the bible says faith without works is dead.
I want more than anything, for my children to choose Christ. I pray it daily, but how often I actually invite Him into our home is a bit hypocritical.
And the nights that Kingston refuses to pray with us at the dinner table, and refuses to participate in toddler worship at church used to confuse me.
But it doesn't anymore.
I'm choosey about what my kids watch, and I'll even admit that they are a bit immature for their age when it comes to knowing who super heros are or anything on tv outside of pbs. And thats good, and I can take pride in that but if they don't know who He is, than I've completely missed the point.
I can shield them and protect them from things that are not edifying but what good is it if they don't know the love of God? No good at all.
This wasn't a realization I woke up to one day, it has been a process of what I feel God has been gently convicting me about. I know that Ben and I need to create an atmosphere first and foremost in our home for our children to experience God's presence. We'll make our personal relationships with God a higher priority so our children can see us walk it out.
Since I had been feeling this way, I decided to completely eliminate secular music. (I'm not saying you have to, or that it's right or wrong) There has been a dramatic difference since. My kids typically fight in the car, lots of yelling and crying and hitting.
Yesterday as we were driving, I was completely undone listening to Kingston sing "my soul longs for you". For so many reasons. But mainly because of how little I had to do to see such a shift in him, how much I had been lacking in providing this for them, and how loving God was with me when I knew He had been trying to get my attention on this matter.
I can't force or choose it for them but I hope that in my heart I will feel at peace knowing that I made every effort on my part to lead them in that direction.