Dec 3, 2011

life

This is a post I have thought about writing for a few months now. I don't know if I'll ever actually publish it. I don't know why I would want to.... and yet I don't know why I wouldn't want to. I like to be a positive person and blog about our good days. But just like everyone else..we have our share of bad ones. So, this is me..sharing one of those bad days months.

I'm a firm believer that life begins at conception. I was pregnant this year....yes... in September. It was a difficult time for me but I was really excited and at peace about it, despite the huge surprise. For some reason though, I wanted to keep it between Ben and I. We normally spread the news right away. I'm pretty sure that was God whispering to me.

36 weeks pregnant with Kingston

Less than a week after three positive tests...I was home with the boys and started bleeding. At first I was just hoping it would stop but after a few hours had passed and it only became worse, I called Ben at work. He brought home another pregnancy test that I took the next morning...and it was negative.

I lost it...

I am glad we kept this to ourselves during that time, because telling everyone that I was pregnant, only to have to tell them days later that I was not anymore, would have been really hard.

So many other things went wrong happened during that month, that my feelings about it were swept under the rug. I had to move on because I have two little boys that need me and Ben needed me more than ever.
I haven't cried much about it. I haven't even had many moments to sit and think about it. In a way, I didn't feel like I was allowed to. I was only 5 weeks along. Would people even consider that a miscarriage?

Some days I do think, if I had I still been carrying that baby, that we would have been able to find out the gender soon and I would be showing by now. I don't understand why these things happen. Why I carried two perfectly healthy babies to term before this. I don't know when Ben and I will try for another baby. I do know that we want more, but the fear of losing another one does weigh on my mind.


34 weeks pregnant with Weston

I will just have to trust Him though. He knows my heart, my dreams, the things no one else does. I know thats why, when I'm faced with these trials, I can have peace. He is my comforter, when I won't allow anyone else to be. He gives me the space I need.. but He's there, the moment I call out to Him.

When nothing around me seems good..He will always be. He's the one thing I can always depend on.

12 comments:

  1. No matter at what point of the pregnancy the miscarriage occurs, it is still a loss and it is still very real to the mother. I know your pain. After having a miscarriage, pregnancy doesn't feel 'safe' anymore. There is always a constant fear of losing your baby, that is natural. But no matter how annoying it is to hear, There is a reason for everything and God knows what He's doing in your life.

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  2. I'm so sorry! That would be very difficult. You seem like a strong person tho and will turn this negative into a positive. Maybe the timing just wasn't right... there is a plan for you and your family, it will all work out dear :)

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  3. so sorry to hear this hun! i had a miscarriage 3 months before i got pregnant with my youngest. it's still hard for me to talk about it.
    i am praying for you!!
    *hugs!*

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  4. New follower, found you from Paisley Boulevard.

    I am so so sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you!

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  5. Wow, I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine what you guys went through. God always provides, though. Keep seeking Him as you two move forward. I'll be praying!

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  6. I had worried that something like this had happened from what you had written earlier. :/ Although I have never had a loss like this, I know I worried so much about it in my early pregnancy. I can't imagine how hard it has been, especially while having so much going on. Healing takes time, so hold tight to Christ (as I'm sure you are) and allow yourself that time.

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  7. I am very sorry. I been there twice and I know it is not easy. : (

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  8. Found you from Replicating His Love. This post brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Regardless of whether you were 2 weeks or 5 weeks or 38 weeks, a baby is a baby and you deserve to grieve and love. I'm praying for you!

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  9. thank you for your sweet words. they mean so much to me :) I promise, my blog is usually pretty lighthearted, but I think it was good for me to be able to share that. it's not a secret..I don't know why I thought it should be..since so many of us have experienced it.

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  10. I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you shared this with us and hope it brings you some peace.

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  11. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have no idea what you are going through, but when I was pregnant with my son we had a scare. I was 15 weeks pregnant and we flew home to visit family. Our first night home I was out with friends and all of a sudden I was bleeding everywhere. We rushed to the ER. Although we didn't lose our baby, it was one of the scariest situations ever.

    Just remember God has a plan for us all. Pour your faith into him. I know it will be something you worry about forever. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

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  12. I am so sorry about your loss. I have been through this twice. I am always encouraged knowing that the Lord knows how many children our families are supposed to have and I know from experience he can bring peace when the time comes to try again. It can get nerve racking at times, but God will carry you through whatever trials and joys come your way. :)

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