I'm a firm believer that life begins at conception. I was pregnant this year....yes... in September. It was a difficult time for me but I was really excited and at peace about it, despite the huge surprise. For some reason though, I wanted to keep it between Ben and I. We normally spread the news right away. I'm pretty sure that was God whispering to me.
36 weeks pregnant with Kingston
Less than a week after three positive tests...I was home with the boys and started bleeding. At first I was just hoping it would stop but after a few hours had passed and it only became worse, I called Ben at work. He brought home another pregnancy test that I took the next morning...and it was negative.
I lost it...
I am glad we kept this to ourselves during that time, because telling everyone that I was pregnant, only to have to tell them days later that I was not anymore, would have been really hard.
So many other things
I haven't cried much about it. I haven't even had many moments to sit and think about it. In a way, I didn't feel like I was allowed to. I was only 5 weeks along. Would people even consider that a miscarriage?
Some days I do think, if I had I still been carrying that baby, that we would have been able to find out the gender soon and I would be showing by now. I don't understand why these things happen. Why I carried two perfectly healthy babies to term before this. I don't know when Ben and I will try for another baby. I do know that we want more, but the fear of losing another one does weigh on my mind.
34 weeks pregnant with Weston
I will just have to trust Him though. He knows my heart, my dreams, the things no one else does. I know thats why, when I'm faced with these trials, I can have peace. He is my comforter, when I won't allow anyone else to be. He gives me the space I need.. but He's there, the moment I call out to Him.
When nothing around me seems good..He will always be. He's the one thing I can always depend on.