Today is my 25th birthday..
We celebrated last week. Ben planned me a big birthday party and coordinated the whole thing himself. It was really sweet and meant a lot to me that so many people came with food and gifts. It was lots of fun.
I think this year is going to be a year of big changes for me and our family. It's scary too. I'm officially making my own decisions of what I want to do and where I want to live instead holding back in fear that it will hurt the people I love. No one has ever made us do anything but we've always followed our parents where they go and now it's time to figure out what our dreams are.
It's hard. I hate hurting people but I can't be a people pleaser anymore. I've learned it's not even possible anyway. I have to do what I feel God is calling me to do and trust that my heart leading me in a different direction is the right thing.
24 was not an easy year for me...honestly it was the most painful, stressful and worrisome year of my life. Getting pregnant unexpectedly worried us because we didn't trust that God would provide, there were scary situations with Ben's job, we wondered where we would put the baby. We spent so much time worrying about where we would live. I was feeling let down by friends and family again and again, depression. I could go on. It wasn't good. I hide it well don't I?
When we were at IHOP and received those prophetic words from perfect strangers some of the things said were...
"This last 1.5-2 years has been a deeper working of experiencing his love in the midst of weaknesses and seeing depths of who you are. The Lord is really showing himself true in those areas. In the last 1.5-2 years there have been some impactful things done and they have been very crucial years."
"I saw a picture of you pulling a sword out of a sheath. You’re a mighty warrior and you had battle wounds but you were mighty in love, love that endures all things and hopes. The lord wants to love on you and for his love to be the strength of your love that trusts and hopes again. The lord wants you to know that he holds your tears and he knows the tears you’ve cried and holds them in a bottle and he knows the movements of your heart. He knows your story and he knows your frame and he loves you and is tender with you and loves your tenderness and that you feel and have a passion for justice and what’s right in his sight. You have a spirit of truth beyond words and you want a life that’s authentic in love."
I felt very validated when I heard those words because I knew what they meant and I knew that He saw my pain and weakness in the last few years but he was going to use that to deepen my relationship and love...that wilderness we went through was "crucial".
I'm happy and excited that this past season is coming to a close and new things and opportunities are opening up. I feel that I'm walking blindly at times but I have faith that it's right and slowly the plan is being revealed to me.
So.. hello 25...I'm ready for whats next!