Jul 15, 2011

it's not enough

I've been a little distracted the past two weeks but now that we are settled the issues and questions I had before the move are still there which only proves to me that having it all means nothing if you don't have something deeper. A lot of times I think if I just had this or that, then I'd be happy but then I obtain those things..for example this house...and I'm still every bit as unsatisfied as before. Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful but I guess I know that I was created for more and my heart craves whatever that is. The confusing part is figuring that out.

For the first time in my life I'm not involved in church activities 4-5 times a week and it's left me feeling sort of lost. This is not to say that you must be that involved. I felt burnt out so many times over the years but it's gone from being there almost daily, around a community of people with the same dreams and goals to about once a week. I've been told that during this season my children are my ministry but then why do I ache to do more than cleaning and laundry and bottles and diapers? I wonder if my dreams gone, or just on hold? It seems I'm being pushed in a direction that I don't want by others making the decisions for me and I don't feel like there is anything I can do about it.

I want more than a house, and my husbands job, and raising children. I want everything He has and the satisfaction in knowing I'm fulfilling my destiny while I'm here.

We're going to visit ihop next month. I don't have high expectations that I'll come home with new purpose and direction but I do hope He will meet me there and I'll get some time to just be...

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